Enjoying the holidays
As we inch ever closer to Thanksgiving and other festive winter holidays — I’m reminded that while it is always a busy and happy time for me, my family, and a lot us. For some it is a stressful time, sad time, or maybe it’s just never been your thing. It can be hard to feel comfortable around others. Sometimes those who are “not really into it” can have guilt because they feel outside the norm. I’m extremely sympathetic to that ‘outside the norm’ group. I believe we should do all we can to end the stigma that surrounds mental illnesses, and around those individuals that are on the spectrum, like my grandson — and though I participate in social media, I am a proponent of ending the illusion that all of us are happy, festive, crafty, or doing well (in every sense). It simply isn’t true! How much healthier might we all be if instead of seeing some false or unattainable status post, we could commiserate on how the real situation is that we are financially strained this holiday and are ‘skipping Christmas’, or maybe toning it down? How about that we’re sad, lonely, or anxious? We all see the SNL skits and jokes made about ‘awkward’ family gatherings we must endure at the holidays, but who really posts about it? Talks real about it? Not many. Clearly it’s a shared experience, or it wouldn’t be so funny on movies and TV, but when it’s really happening at your home — and maybe not-so-funny, how do you get through it? I think if we all normalized our human experiences — and not just the good ones, it would be a great way to really make a meaningful connection, and maybe find the enjoyment in that.
While I have fond memories of some most of the winter holidays — I can also remember several years where two or three of my five step-brothers would get into some pretty serious fights. Full-on fist fights where someone ended up in the ER. My dad yelling, my step-mom crying, me and my sister just in our room trying to drown out the noise with our stereo. I’m sure I’m not the only one with a story like this.
There were several years of healthy holiday bonuses for my dad later in life, and the gifts and food was plentiful, but I also remember a year where the owner of the company my dad worked for had gambled away the company and everyone was laid off a couple weeks before Christmas. Awesome, huh? My dad was a single dad at the time with a 7 year old and 3 year old to take care of. He applied for assistance measures (which took some time to kick in), and accepted charity, because he loved us, but it almost broke him to swallow his pride like that. Needless to say, even with the help of others, it was a small and humble Christmas that year. My father held onto the embarrassment for years, but what did he have to be embarrassed of exactly? Even without social media, I think he worried about what his friends, family, and peers would think/say…so he did his best to cover it up and not say anything. I wonder how the situation may have been different if he had just confided in his friends/family if he wouldn’t have felt better by hearing that bad $hit happens to everyone in one way, shape, or form. It wasn’t his fault. He was still a great dad and we still had a nice holiday. We at least had each other, right?
Some of us have lost loved ones around the holidays — so it evokes pain and sorrow instead of happiness. Some of us are introverts, and just don’t enjoy crowds (even the small ones). Some of us have dysfunctional or broken families, or live too far away to easily get home. Lots of us work holidays (first responders, medical personnel, retail/food service employees). Many of these people are giving up their holiday to make ours a little nicer.
Where am I going with this? Well, first and foremost, I want all my friends/readers to do whatever fits for them. I know it’s easier said than done, to not get stressed, depressed, or feel obligated or guilty — but self-care is of the utmost importance. I promise that your friends/family/co-workers would rather have you healthy and happy than anything else. Stay home, read a book, surf the net, paint, craft, cook, cuddle a pet, call or text instead of going out. If it’s all you can do to move from your bed to the couch to watch true crime TV…do that. You get to decide what feels good and what feels like enough. Don’t feel like hosting this year? Don’t. Don’t feel like doing much of anything? Don’t. Can’t afford gifts or a tree, or decorations? Find a small space to decorate and make festive. One benefit to the Internet is all the ideas for decorating with common household items. You can use to turn the space into a holiday spot. I’ve had friends use yarn and washable markers to draw a tree and ornaments on the wall. Another used a bunch of toilet paper to make a festive Yule ball to hang up and that was the whole of her decorations, but it made her feel better about not being able to travel home that year.
Second, I challenge all of you that post to socials, to post your real selves. Not just this holiday season, but all the time. Let’s normalize the fact that not everything is perfect all the time. Let’s normalize asking for help, when you need it. Need ideas for cheap meals? Ask. Want to know some easy homemade gift ideas? Ask. Need help watching the kids while you get some much needed space? Ask. We need more friends and less ‘followers’. I think it’s the pressure of knowing people are ‘following’ you that causes the extra stress, anxiety, and need for only happy/fun/perfection posts. Your friends can take the real you, I promise. Either that, or you found out real quick and easy who your friends are. Like a smile can spread…so can letting down your guard and sharing the real you. You make a safe space for yourself and others to share heartaches as well as triumphs.
I want to see the real you. Don’t only post the selfie that you took and re-took 12 times and used a filter on, before you felt good enough to post it. Show the random candid pics. Those are just the best! Backyard barbecues, sleep-overs with friends, happy hour for one, coffee just spilled on your shirt at work…Sure, it’s not a trip to Tahiti, but if you’re having a laugh, think the scene is great, or are just having a great time in your jammies on a snow day, Let’s see those! Again, like a smile…I’m hoping the REAL will spread.
